As overheard from a corridor leading to royal private quarters in Buckingham Palace on the afternoon of 29 April 2011…

(sound of foot stamping)

“Duchess, I want it off, now!”

“No, it’s staying put so stop being a silly boy, Willy.”

“But I’m His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales, Duke of Cambridge, Earl of Strathearn, Baron of Carrickfergus and the future King of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth, for God’s sake!”

“And to me you are simply Little Willy and you will do as you are told.”

” But it hurts!””A couple of squirts of baby oil will stop the chafing.”

“I’m not a little boy, I’m a bloody big boy, and I can jolly well do what I want!”

(sound of a spur being thrown across the floor)

“No, you are not. You are just a little boy having a tantrum. I am in charge. I hold the key. Now, come here, at once!”


“Everyone is waiting for us and you know it’s rude to keep people waiting, even commoners; especially commoners…”

“Oh, let them eat cake!”

(sound of high heels walking quickly on floorboards)

“That’s quite enough of that! Now, over my knee, young man.”

“No! Not now. Not today!”

“Yes, especially today. I’m starting married life as I mean to go on.”

(sound of belt being unbuckled, zip being unzipped, clothing being pulled down)

“A thorough spanking should put you in your place ~ your rightful place, in my lap.”

(sound of rapid spanking on a bare bottom, huffing and puffing, moaning and groaning, squeals and cries)

“Now, apologise.”

“Sorry, Duchess.”

“That’s better.”

(sound of a big kiss)

“Now, listen carefully. If you’re a good boy you can stay up late tonight. But the chastity cage stays on until the stroke of midnight. Do you understand, Willy?”

“Yes, Duchess.”

“Good. Now run along and get the baby oil and be quick about it. We have a wedding reception to attend, Darling.”

“Oh, I do love you, Duchess.”

“And I love you too, Willy.”

“And we will live happily ever after, won’t we Duchess, just like in the fairytales?”

“Of course, we shall, Darling. The beautiful commoner marries the handsome prince and he does as he is told and we live happily ever after…”

(sound of baby oil being squirted)